Sunday, May 19, 2013

Tin Boxes

- What's with all the tin boxes?
- I like those.
- What's inside?
- My hopes and dreams, my memories, my life, stuff...

- And why aren't them on display like the boxes?

- Because it's less of a mess than if I display everything at once, I don't like the mess, it's better for me to keep them out of sight knowing that they're there, away from everything, safe or hidden. Because sometimes I like to go back but I don't want anyone to know and because some of those things are not for other people to see.
What if everything that surrounds us is not even real? What if we're only linked to each other randomly but we're to experience things on our own or not experience them at all until we meet someone we're going to travel with.

It is scary to think that things are set up for us, I don't think they are because then I would choose to do nothing at all and, yet, if our lives were set up that would probably be what was set for me, not doing anything at all, whatever the repercusion because the path is set for me to walk on it, I can't be arsed with that kind of thoughts because it's creepy.

However, I do think that unless I saw it myself it pretty much didn't happen, I'm not supposed to experience it or I don't want to experience it because I don't need or want that knowledge. I cannot tell you what's going on at my neighbours place, I cannot tell you what's going on in a different city, I cannot not even tell you what's going on in the next room, it could be anything. I can't be sure of anything unless I saw it and that's the same things when it comes to knowledge, to writing, to anything, I know that I don't know most of the things I think I know, at least not the ones I didn't learn through experience.

I haven't seen the world, I know I've been to other countries because I took a plane to get there but I saw nothing after the take off and saw nothing on the way until I landed, other that clouds. I don't know if the earth is a big sphere floating in space or if things appear once I start moving around. I know from other people, other beings, that something happened elsewhere, but I can't know for sure, I can see photos but I still can't be sure about things, I don't know what all these words are for, I don't know who I'm telling this to, maybe I'm just talking to myself to be able to digest these thoughts I have.

It is unsettling. I've started to think that what we call technology, phones, computers, internet, other countries, other cities, other worlds don't really exist for me or for you. You can't be in two places at the same time. What if traveling to a different time, to a different world was already going on. Time is not really there, we can't touch it or see it, we just know it is because we need to measure it for our own peace of mind or to distract us from the fact that we're not going to go to space and fly through it to see other worlds but rather we're already doing it without noticing  because it doesn't look like in all those paintings and movies we've seen, all those books we've read. What if the future was already here?

Octubre 2

Cuando te conocí...   ...dejé de fumar porque quería estar aquí. Quiero estar siempre aquí, contigo, en el presente pero a veces no estarás aquí. Y entonces puedo estar contigo en mis sueños. Cuando fumo no sueño y, aunque hace la espera más corta para volver a verte, prefiero estar siempre contigo, aquí y en otros mundos.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I wish you love.

"...but before you walk away I, sincerely, want to say I wish you blue birds in the spring to give your heart a song to sing and then a kiss....  ...but more than this I wish you love and, if you like, a lemonade to cool you in some lazy glade, I wish you health and more than wealth I wish you love. I wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm but most of all, when snowflakes fall, I wish you love."

   Why would I settle with that?
   Because I know, by now, it's the closest I can get to spending time with someone that way.
   It's been so long and the chances it happens are so scarce, I've been single for such a long time and it's not like I can do it with just random people, unlike sex...           ...oddly enough.
   I love cuddling, sleeping with somebody. It's hard to get tired of it, I assume, I haven't had the chance to do it until I got tired of it.
   That's why I settle with so little, because those short periods of time with someone I trust enough to be with like that, when I allow myself to forget it won't last long, which feels a little like play pretending, are precious to me. I wish it did last though....

..I always do anyways...

...when it happens.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

"I just want you all to notice me and people to see that somewhere deep down there's a decent human being in me. It just can't be found, so the reason you've been seeing this me ss cause this is me now, the recent dude who's being this mean."

    As some of you who follow me on twitter may know I stopped smoking ganja for a few days because I'm getting ready to head to Canada for a week. A few days seems like a stretch since it's only tuesday night and I stopped smoking at some point on sunday evening so, technically, there's a shitload of THC running through my veins. Needless to say I'm a bit annoyed, probably because of the cold turkey thing.

    Since I'm annoyed I'll do what I do best: complaining. Lets start with the guys (it'll probably be the only thing I'll complain about on this post though). Okay, so today I got this message from this jerk on dudesnude where he replied "look at you, you seem so serious and maybe even nice at the gym and you're such a prick here" to which I replied "I'm reciprocating, I was not rude to you until you were rude to me.". Let me give you some background story....

    ...I met this jerk, lets call him Mike, I met Mike on dudesnude, he contacted me first, sent me his skype nickname and I added him, we start chatting, blah blah blah, everything goes well until we get to the subject of sex and drugs. He wanted to go out for dinner and shit and I said I wasn't looking for that and was mostly looking for casual sex or fuck buddies, everything okay so far, I asked him if he smoked weed. He said "NO I don't drink and I don't do any type of drugs" and then logged off. Never saw him online again. No biggy though, we weren't looking for similar things, whatever, but at least have the decency to say good bye or something. I usually wish people a good day when I turn them down, yes, it's pricky but it's still nicer than just loggin off and blockin people, at least I make it clear that I'm not interested at all so there's no further anything.

    That was about eight months ago or so, it was last year for sure when I had just opened that account. So when I checked my messages and saw Mike had sent me one message asking me what I was up to, so it went sort of like this:

Le mike - Hey man, what's up? What u up to?
Le me - I take it you're no longer upset but I still smoke weed.
Le mike - Upset? hahaha I have no reason to be upset nor do I see why I'd be upset.
Le me - Well, the last time I talked to you you acted all offended. I'm still looking for casual sex only and I still smoke weed, I'm aware you're not into that so have a nice day.
Le him - Dude, look at you, you seem so serious and maybe even nice at the gym and you're such a prick here
Le me - I'm reciprocating, I was not rude to you until you were rude to me.It's not just because.

    He probably won't reply or reply something lame blaming me for being such a jerk. I don't think I was, if anything I was just blunt but I don't see the point on being all sweet and nice to people that are sort of rude to me to begin with. I'm sorry, I can't. I hate it when people get self righteous and then come back and try to get into my pants just because they couldn't find anything better online. No, I'm not flattering myself, I know how it goes.

    Next in line. Last sunday I went rollerblading and I saw this really cute guy that was checkin me out. So on my way back he was still on the same spot and he still sort of checked me out so I came back and I really made the effort to go and ask him for his number, he said "I don't know you" with such disdain and then turned his head so I just said "sorry" and rolled away. It was embarrassing yes, I might have gotten punched yes but at least I tried. Which is something not many of you can say when it comes to talking to random strangers on the street.

    Now, lets take a moment to reflect on this. He said "I don't know you"....         ...of course you don't know you fucktard! If we knew each other we wouldn't have had that conversation. How on earth do people expect to meet new people if they never talk to strangers? I don't know what to do with the disdain but it's not something I'm not used to.     I have to say that, if anything, at least I make the effort. It takes some balls to talk to strangers knowing that you don't know how they'll react and I know that you can only regret the things you didn't do so I don't want to regret much.

    I have to say I do have an issue with the fact that people check me out, everywhere, all the time, non stop, shamelessly. I get catcalled when I'm on the street. Don't fool yourselves, I know you're thinkin "you think you're the shit", I'll say it clearly: never in my life have I said to myself "I'm goodlooking" and really believed it. Not once. There's a lot of things nobody knows about me because it's nobody's business however I think you should know that I have absolutely no perception of reality when it comes to how I look. Through out my life I was always told I was an ugly boy, since I was little all I never heard a compliment on my appearance, at least not a real one, I know my aunts tell all kids they're "so handsome" even if they're hideous and, trust me, I've never been stupid so I knew when people meant things and when not. So after years and years of people telling you that you're ugly you eventually start to believe it.

    Then puberty kicked in and I started working out and things improved so eventually people started noticin me, which is something I was not accostumed to. I didn't pay attention to the random compliments people made because I thought they were makin fun of me. Yes, I'm paranoid like that. Then I grew up, kept working out, started improving myself, for me, not for anybody else and things ensued. I got compliments more often and they seemed more honest so I appreciated that but even now I don't believe I am as goodlooking as people claim I am. I just don't see it.

    I digress. Back to what I was saying, people check me out and it's not just gay men, it's not just women, it's men, married men, straight men, guys at the gym, married men with a stroller, it's ridiculous. It's like being in the Matrix when there's an error and everyone looks at you. I swear I've walked into places and saw all heads turn to check me out. Some of you might think it's flatterin, but it's not, I don't feel at ease sometimes and very often I don't remove my sunglasses when indoors, just so I don't have to put a straight face (that and because my eyes are super red cuz I'm blazed out of my mind). So people check me out and sometimes they check me out for quite a long time so eventually, if I find them pleasin I talk to them and I've hit on some people, with not so good results as you can see.

    The last time it happened with a guy at the gym. A pretty cute guy, blonde, swedish looking, he kept checkin me out. I didn't talk to him until after a month. I would see him in the dressing room, he checked me out. While running on the treadmill he would use the treadmill next to mine and just turn his head and he looked at me from head to toe, almost shamelessly, he would turn his head when I turned mine his way but I could still see him on the gym mirrors. So I go and ask him his name and make small talk, after a couple days he asks me if I have a facebook account, I said yes and he added me. We chatted online and eventually, after a couple months talkin about nothing, he was like "I think you got the wrong impression. I hope that wasn't too blunt" when I tried to make advances.

    I'm sorry! I am truly sorry I misunderstood your constant checkin me out and thought you found me attractive. I am really sorry. Not only does my gaydar suck but to add insult to injury people who have absolutely no interest stare at me and I'm supposed to not pay attention to that, just because. It's either that or people are just too shy and I'm too straight forward but who am I to know what other people are thinkin?

    I'm tired now, gonna head to bed.